My life is rather weird right now. I know almost no one uses xanga anymore, and im pretty okay with that. I don't WANT anyone to reply to this part of my post...Or in fact, any part i don't ask them to, at least not unless it's face to face...Right now i just feel so empty. I don't mean the apathy of my old whiny emo days, I mean...I honestly just don't feel like i belong with anyone anymore, I don't feel like I really care about what i'm doing. I really don't care about classes (thats not really a big deal) or the people around me (a bit more then usual...but still not surprising.) It's just...my books. I know no one else cares about that, but I just..I can't seem to care about my books anymore. And it's scary, to not really be able to think of anything I really care about. I understand it's probably jsut a pahse, just a rut...And I really don't care. What's even worse is, I know I should feel scared, or angry, or something about this empty feeling, but i don't have enough inside of me right now for that. Don't get me wrong, i can still feel angry and happy..They just seem dull. I don't really remember feeling the emotions, just..brief things of fun...And thats not really honest emotion, it's fun..it's shallow and brief, and fleeting...and hurts more for it. And I'm almost ready to be glad to feel the pain of not feeling enough just to feel...which is kind of paradoxical, or at the very least, awkard o write and read...but all the same.
The only thing that has reliably made me care, even a little bit as of late, is my script for Rep theatre, and the issue that happened with me and Alec...Now, everyone who reads this knows some of what happened. At the very least that i dumped him as a friend...I don't think i've explained it to anyone really, besides stating his a hypocrite and I didn't want to talk about it. But now, I don't know if i'm seeing things clearer or not..but..I'm going to try to talk to him a bit, at least try to get him to understand...Even if its hard for me to explain it. It's not something I want to talk about ot other people...But I was so angry at him...so...SO angry....*sigh* anyways....I'll update poems (..some of which were written the hour after i decided to ban Alec from my life...Heh..^^; ) alot were just...random..NO comments on this crap.
Fuck You!
Have you lived my life?
Stop being so fucking condescending!
What gives you the right?
Guess what.
You’re gone.
You’re not in my pack.
You’ve pushed too often,
Much too hard.
No longer are you welcome.
You fucking idiot.
You no longer get to use me.
Make me feel like shit.
I wont run if I see you,
Because, guess what,
I. Can’t. See. You.
You’re gone from my vision
Gone from my sight.
Right now, I HATE YOU!
Too many times,
Have I held myself back.
Too often have I wanted to hurt you.
Too often!
Now,
Now you’re gone.
Every word out of your mouth was a lie.
From the very beginning.
You didn’t want to help me,
Or be my friend.
You just wanted to get your own kick,
Wanted to feel superior.
Well, guess what.
FUCK YOU!
Fuck you!
I Will NOT be used!
Damn you,
It hurts and its all your fault!
You claimed to be so sweet, so endearing,
But in reality…
Fuck.
Just fuck you.
It isn’t fair!
It isn’t!
Why?
What the hell?
Why are you such a fucking ass?
You wanted to ‘help’ me
Bullshit.
Fucking liar.
You just wanted a cheap fucking thrill
Wanted to see me crash and burn
Goddamn you!
Damn you!
how else can I say I hate you?
Its not even worth it.
I saw it coming.
My own fault.
BULLSHIT!
its you who is is to blame
You for being such a hypocrite,
Such a damn cad.
It’s your fault,
For pretending to be understanding,
Your fault..
Even if it is mostly mine,
For being stupid enough to even think of believing in you.
Sweet Resolution
You can think I’m irrational,
Or you can finally,
At least pretend,
To be as understanding as you claim.
That would be nice,
But I won’t hold my breath.
Either way,
You’re gone from my life.
Whether ive said it before or not,
Now it’s true.
I wont keep you around me,
I’ll ignore,
Won’t talk,
In any way, shape, or form,
Not to you,
Or , even about you.
You’re gone!
And sadly,
That’s the first thing that made me smile.
I am strong,
I won’t let this happen.
I won’t let loosing a friend
Hurt me so much,
Fuck that.
You’re gone.
And for good reasons,
You don’t accept me,
You don’t see my side,
You see only yours.
And while I can see how you might view me,
You should know better.
You said you would,
Well thanks boyo.
I appreciate the lesson.
I didn’t know my eyes were so pretty when filled with tears,
Didn’t know how easily I actually did trust others,
Guess what boyo.
It’s people like you,
That make me as closed as I am
You complain I’m distant,
It’s you and your like, that make me this way.
Never
NEVER again,
I won’t let you hurt me, Ever again.
Save me,
Help me..
Fuck that.
I will not beg.
Or plead,
Or even ask for help.
I will do as I please
When I please.
No more emo shit
Im tired of it.
Im tired of longing for my own blood.
I’m just so damn bored with it.
It hurts
And I wont deal with that.
I don’t want hope though,
It hurts too.
I just,
Well,
I just want to be well,
Healthy.
No more angst,
No more drama.
I want to be happy!
I want,
Even more then that,
To be happy with me.
I want to take joy in the obstacles of life
The kind only those who’ve dealt with so much worse,
Or the insane,
Can enjoy.
I want to grin,
Because I don’t know where I ll sleep tonight,
Because, for once, I get to worry about it.
I want to laugh, because I care what others think of me,
Because, before, I knew exactly what they thought of me.
And not a single thought of theirs was good,
And I was too tired and hurt to care.
I want to dance for the simple joy of it,
I want to delight in my own fears,
I want to live in my books,
I want to write my own life.
To have hardships,
To not always overcome,
To find love,
Then to loose it,
And maube,
Eventually, find another.
I want to control,
And to be controlled.
I want to live on hope,
Then to despair whn it is gone,
Only to find it never left.
I want to fully taste life,
I just want to feel,
Feel it all.
I want to douse my life in blood
To tinge my vision with red,
To feel the clarity of pain,
To truly experience SOMETHING!
I want the dusty dry flavor of fear in my mout,
The knowledge someone will find me out.
I want the anger to boil inside of me,
Ready to lash out at the first person who confronts me,
I want the loss of control,
The feeling of despair,
Wlleing up inside of me.
Until I choke on my tears,
And they come out bloody.
The sheer anxiety that rules my life like a cruel mistress,
I want the self loathing,
The sardonic amusement at my own plight.
My longing for a knight,
when I’ve already
been taught that only I can save myself.
To have someone else help me,
Someone for me to depend on,
Even if I don’t know how.
I want that obvious crying out for help
Because id ont know how to ask for it
I want that pain back
I want to spill my blood again.
Do others feel as I do?
Or am I some kind of defect?
Am I missing some essential part of myself,
Something needed to feel whatever everyone else feels?
Is there a blcok in my head that keeps me from truly
feeling?
What?
All these poems on passion,
And I’m not sure I’ve ever felt it.
Everything seems obscured,
As if it’s looked at through a dirty glass plane.
Fuzzy and surreal, no clear edges no sharp sense of clarity.
Is it worse to live life not really feeling,
Or is it worse to live life colored with sharp fear?
A life filled with passion,
The clear headiness of pain and blood,
To drown in an ocean of bloody fear.
To douse all your feelings and images in red.
Surely, they gain a bit of sharp edges,
But they loose their sense,
So the Question is,
Which do I keep?
Sense or Feeling?
Logic or emotion?
Reality or Imagination?
There’s really no question at all.
This next part is one of the plays i'm thinkig of doing, the other play is about a girl who can't cope with reality, so is a bit insane. HEr so called friends and family manage to drive home the fact that most of what she believes in is fake..anmd she kills herself. I'll write it up at somepoint and see which i like better...as it is, i just want comments and critiques of the play. Mostly just help with dialogue..note, the huge chunk that the chara who plays Darcy says...isn't her words, so ignore it.You'll know it whenyou come to it. The transitions would be good too, if someone could give ideas to scene changes.
Red Tears
Scene
Counselor:
“Ms. Russel, I’ve had
a few students come to me today and express concerns about you. They’ve told me
that they believe that you’ve been cutting…Is this true?”
DARCY
“I don’t really see
how that concerns you. Besides, it doesn’t really matter what I say does it?”
Counselor
“I’m afraid I already
know that you do…but I would like to talk to you about why.”
Darcy
”Im already going to a shrink, and it isn’t helping. I doubt talking to a
school counserlor is going to help me a hwole lot. I don’t suppose youd at
least tell me who told you?”
Counselor
”I’m afraid that’s confidential…I do wish you’d talk to me, but your dad will
be here in a few moments.”
Darcy
”my dad?!”
counselor
“Yes, it’s school
policy to inform parents when we believe students have been hurting themselves
or things like that.”
Darcy
”…Great.”
counselor
“…I’ll just let you
be alone for a bit then.” Leaves.
Enter
from stage right. “DARCY!”
Dad
“Let
me see your arm.” (angry) pause. “Your counselor called me today, she
told me that you’ve been cutting your arm. Do you really think that’s going to
help you any? How stupid can you get? Hurting yourself isn’t going to help! “ pause
“aren’t you going to say anything?” pause “Fine. You’re going to a
pysciatrist starting tomorrow.” Walk
off, stage right.
Kyle
Enter stage left,
leads D and self to the bench.
So do you want to
talk about it?
Darcy
Shakes head “I can’t…”
Kyle
Nods. Pause.
“Can I see your arm?”
Darcy
Nods..
Kyle
reaches for arm, pulling out into his view. “relax…it’s okay.” Not
looking at arm, looking at her.
Darcy
Tries to relax.
Kyle
Looks at her arm.pause.
“You know I’m here for you when you want to talk. “
Darcy
“I know I just…” shrug
Kyle
Sigh “I
know…look, I just want you to know, that whenever you feel like you want to
cut, just call me. I don’t care when it is, just call me and we can talk. “
Darcy
Pause. “thanks…”
Kyle
Kisses her cheek. “I’ve
got to go, but I’ll see you later?”
Darcy
“Yeah, I’m having a
few people over around 7 tonight at my house. Just come over. Give me a call if
you need a ride.”
Scene
Setting
In front of curtain.
Darcy
Enters from the door, looking upset and stuff. Heads to her
bed and sits down. “Great way to handle that dad, yeah, yelling at a girl who’s
already screwed up in the head, just freakin great.” Kick the bed “it’s not fair, can’t you at least pretend
tio get it? Gods..Do you really think im stupid enough to do this to myself
because of a choice?” pacing by now, agitated. “It’s not my fault…I want
to stop I just…I just need some help I just need someone to help me…I just
don’t know how to ask for it, I’m so scared…” look to the door “can’t
you see that? Can’t you see how scared I am? I’m scared of all of you…I’m
scared of my friends, of my family, hell of my bloody dog. I’m scared that
everyone will hate me if they found out how weak I am, that they’d abandon me.
It’s easier to accept this pain then that..It’s just so much safer, so much
more comforting to just do this, to hurt myself then to let others do it for
me…I want that bit of control. I might not be able to have any say of anything
else in my life, I may not be able to protect myself from my parents or my friends, or even my own thoughts, but
I damn well can protect or hurt myself physically. That I can do…I can’t keep
the sounds of their yells and of their blame and their damn sobbing and hatred
and guilt and anger and their misplaced responabilities on me, but I can
control this. Besides…It’s easier to hide behind this then to face them. what
if they figure eout just who I am and they hate me for it? What if they realize
just how much of a coward I am, just how much of a whining bitch, and decide to
reject me? What if they simply don’t like me? Gods…This is just so stupid!
Every time, I feel so terrified. I don’t want to, I don’t want to do it, before
I cut I always get this sickening feeling in my stomache, just this knot of
fear, but as soon as I see the blood and feel the pain, everything else goes
away…Everything just…drifts away and I feel so content, so happy!…but it’s
always just worse after wards, I just get more nervous and more scared that
people will find out…it’s not even so much as people knowing as, I don’t know,
just people judging me I guess, I just want someone to help fix me…is that
really that much to ask…?” sigh “probably is, with my luck. Damnit, I
should know better then to believe in white knights, I’m 15 for gods sake”
(make clear that she considers cutting as an external force. Take the knife out
of the box at some point)
Door knock.
Darcy
Pulls sleeve down
hastily “Ill get it!” hurries to the door and opens it, letting Alec,
Andy and Mike in. “Hey guys, we can start the movie as soon as Kyle gets
here.”
Andrea:
“Kyle? Again? Ooo
someone must be in love.”
Darcy
”…shut up.” Smacks Andy lightly on
the arm. “anyways, any of y’all want a drink?”
Andrea
”Coke!”
Mike:
”Pepsi”
Alec
“water”
Darcy:
goes behind curtain to get the drinks.
Knock on door
Darcy:
”Can someone get that?”
Andrea
opens the door “hey Kyle, Darcy’s just getting some drinks. Come on and
sit down.”
Alec and Mike are setting the TV up.
Darcy:
Walks back in, handing
everyone a drink, and opening her own coke. “Put the Dvd in.”
Sound cue.
Everyone
Sits down and
‘watches’ the tv.
Andrea and Mike
heavy close contact and ect.
Darcy
Near Kyle but also
off by herself.
Alec+Kyle
…bored.
Kyle:
“okay…this movie
sucks. How about we goto the playground and screw around outside?”
Andrea and Mike
”…fine.”
Alec
”okay.”
Darcy
“Sure” turns the
TV off and all of them walk out of the door
Curtains open
Setting (a slide
is there, and a random ‘flower’ garden off in the back.
Andrea+Mike
Go and sit
‘behind’ the slide to make out.
Kyle
Looks to D. “so…”
Darcy
Grin and pokes
him. “tag you’re it!” Runs off.
Kyle
“Hey!” runs after
her, grabbing her and holding her to him. “you and I need to talk.”
Darcy
shakes her head “no. I don’t want to talk..Kyle just let me go.” Tries
to get away, but he’s too strong.
Kyle
”I’m not letting go until you and I talk. We’ve known each other for months,
and you won’t let me in. you won’t let anybody in. Do you even realize that
you’re hurting other people by what you’re doing? You’ve been quiet and upset all night, and you’ve been avoiding
me all night as well. What’s wrong?”
Darcy
“stop it! You don’t
care! Stop acting like you do!”
Kyle
”I don’t care? Why would I still be here if I didn’t care? Why would I be
trying so hard to help you if I didn’t care? Do you know how many people around
you DO care about you? Why can’t you see that?”
Darcy
pause “I’m
sorry…I’m sorry…I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I just..I’m..I don’t
know how.”
Kyle
”You don’t know how to what?”
Darcy
”I don’t know! I don’t know I don’t know how to let you in, I don’t know how to
let you help me, Gods…I don’t even know when the last time I was able to cry
was, let alone how to express my feeling in any way other then…well…how I have
been showing it…”
Kyle
”How do you expect people to help you if you don’t let them in?”
Darcy
”I don’t know! I just don’t know! Just stop it, please, just stop it. I get it
okay? I’m stupid, I’m weak, I’m”
Kyle
”Stop it! Stop saying those thigns. You’re not any of that…I just want to know
what makes you hurt so much…”
Darcy
“I can’t…”
Kyle
”I’m not letting you go until you tell me.”
long moment
Darcy
“Please…just..let me
go.”
Kyle
“….” Lets her go
“At least call someone when you feel down…even if you don’t let them in, try to
make a step at helping yourself. You can depend on others to do it for you.”
Darcy
”…I know.” Edges away, eyeing the way out. “..Thank you.” Flees.
Lights dull and
curtain closes
Ending scene
Setting
Stage
closed: Blocks put to stage right, made to look like a bed. A nightstand as
well with a box on it with her knife in it.
Darcy:
“Dad!
I’m home from school!” enters from door “and I’m talking to myself
because you aren’t here…” dump backpack on the ground by the bed, walk to
the bed. Sit on it, looking at her arm then at the box. Reaches for the box,
then takes her cellphone out instead. “Hey…Eric? Do you think you can come
over? I feel kind of down.” Pause “No, I don’t want to talk about it
yet, I just want to be near some one” pause “Really? Cool. I’ll see you
in a few minutes then.”
The End.
Quotes!
Always!
That is a dreadful word. It makes me shudder when I hear it. Women are so fond
of using it. They spoil every romance by trying to make it forever.
I
adore simple pleasures, they are the last refuge of the complex
I wonder
who it is that defined man as a rational animal. It was the most premature
definintion ever given.
Behind every exquisite thing that exsisted,
there was something tragic
We always
misunderstand ourselves, and rarely understand others.
Thin
lipped wisdom spoke at her from the worn chair, hinted at prudence, quoted from
that book of
cowardice
whose author apes the name of common sense I
represent to you all the sins you have never had the courage to commit There
is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased
to love. There
is luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel that noone else has
a right to blame us There
is a fatality about good resoloutions.-that they are always made too late
If you
wait for me Then I'll come for you. Although I've travelled far, I always hold
a place for you In my heart. If you think of me, If you miss me once in a
while, Then I'll return to you. I'll return and fill that space in your heart
And if the
cloud bursts, thunder in your ear You shout and no one seems to hear. And if
the band you're in starts playing different tunes I'll see you on the dark side
of the moon.
Her
smile turns to pure southern belle, going from here to there without every once
coming near sincere
Friends
are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how
to fly...
Fiction is obliged
to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
Truth is beautiful,
without doubt; but so are lies.
If he was going to die, he was determined to die
being obnoxious, which after all was what he was good at.
He stood out from his surroundings arrogantly
and gracefully, not with the awkwardness of one ill-concealed, but with the
unique air of one meant to be different.
Every time I kiss you, it hurts.
But love can hope where reason would despair
I've
lived my life exactly the way i've wanted, and I intend to live my death the
same way.
Actions lie louder than
words.
Never take the advice of
someone who has not had your kind of trouble.
I have a right to my
anger, and I don't want anybody telling me I shouldn't be, that it's not nice
to be, and that something's wrong with
me because I get angry.
If it turns out that there
is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about
him is that basically he's an underachiever.
A positive attitude may
not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth
the effort.
The cure for boredom is
curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
"I meant,"
said Ipslore bitterly, "what is there in this world that truly makes
living worthwhile?"
Death thought about it.
"Cats," he said eventually. "Cats are nice."
When the character of a
man is not clear to you, look at his friends.
I wanted you to see what
real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun
in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin
anyway and you see it through no matter what.
The only courage that
matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next.
Some have been thought
brave because they were afraid to run away.
Do what you feel in your
heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you
do, and damned if you don't.
Any reviewer who expresses
rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who
has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.
Death is more universal
than life; everyone dies but not everyone lives.
I hope the leaving is
joyful; and I hope never to return.
You cannot be defeated if
you just keep taking one breath followed by another.
Democracy is a device that
ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve
If you limit your choices
only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what
you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.
Almost nobody dances
sober, unless they happen to be insane
Death is the enemy. I
spent 10 years of my life singlemindedly studying, practicing, fighting hand to
hand in close quarters to defeat the enemy, to send him back bloodied and
humble and I am not going to roll over and surrender.
Never explain--your
friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway.
Discovery consists of
seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought.
Doubt is not a pleasant
condition, but certainty is absurd.
You see things; and you
say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"
Some prices are just too
high, no matter how much you may want the prize. The one thing you can't trade
for your heart's desire is your heart. Desire creates the power.
Those who restrain
desire, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.
"I'm a warrior. I make
my own rules. I don't bother with conventions. I haven't the time. I live for
the here and for the now because we may not have tomorrow Family isn't about
whose blood you have. It's about who you care about None but a coward
dares to boast that he has never known fear. If you haven't
forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?
Because you are in
control of your life. Don't ever forget that. You are what you are because of
the conscious and subconscious choices you have made.
In the truest sense,
freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.
All people want is
someone to listen.
It’s the friends you
can call up at four a.m. that matter.
But I do know that history has a habit of repeating itself,
especially for people who lack the originality to come up with something
different."But
finally, after all the tears, Ive drowned
After all the cuts, blood still runs down The distance between us is hurting; my heart
seared, But the closeness was what really killed me, what I really feared
How can I
stop crying when the only one who can make me stop is the one who made me
start?
A Sunset
without a sun is no sunset at all.
A life without love is no life at all.
A rainbow without colors is no rainbow at all.
And heart without feelings is no human at all.
Tell
me you don’t love me.”
”I don’t love you.”
”liar.”
Why do grown-ups think its easier for children to bear
secrets than the truth? Don’t they know about the horror stories we imagine to
explain the secrets?
This is the hour of pride and power, talon and claw
Tell me a story. Chase my fear away. Please, It’s crushing
my chest. Take us somewhere else, somewhere better.
But they woke him with words, their cruel, bright weapons.
Words don’t come alive until you can taste them on your
tongue.
When he had pointed out—and cery reasonably,
too—that trousers, shirts, and long sweaters weren’t exactly feminine, Sylvia
had given him a scalding lecture, the gist of it being that whatever a woman
enjoyed wearing was feminine and anything she didn’t enjoy wearing wasn’t, and
if he was too stubborn and old fashioned
to understand that, he could go soak his head in a bucket of cold water. He
hadn’t quite forgiven her yet for saying they would have to look hard to find a
bucket big enough to fit his head into, but he admired the sass behind the
remark.
You must be the High Lord” the young Warlord said with a smile. “I’m Khardeen, from the isle of Scelt.” He
jerked his thumb toward the drawing room. “that’s Morghann.”
The drawing room opened. Jaenelle approached them hesitantly. Then she held out
both hands in formal greeting. “Hello, Khary.”
Khary looked at the offered hands and turned back to Saetan. “Did Jaenelle ever
tell you about her adventure with my uncle’s stone—“
”Khary” Jaenelle gasped, glancing nervously at Saetan.
”hmm?” Khary smiled at her. “did you know that a proper hug can toss a thought
right out of a man’s head? It’s a well-known fact. I’m surprised you haven’t
heard of it.”
Jaenelle had been balanced on the balls of her feet, ready to bolt. Now her
heels came down and her eyes narrowed. “really.”
Watching the two of them, Saetan decided the prudent thing was ro stand still
and keep his mouth shut.
Seconds passes. When Jaenelle didn’t move, Khardeen turned back to him “you
see, my—“
Jaenelle moved.
”you don’t have to hug all the air out of me,” Khary said as he carefully
wrapped his arms around her.
”Now what were you going to say?” Jaenelle asked ominously.
”about what?” Khary replied sweetly
Laughing, Jaeneelle threw her arms around his neck. “I’m glad you came,
Khardeen. I’ve missed you.”
Is there any chance, Professor," asked Harry, as they
left the room, "that my Magid blood comes from Godric Gryffindor?"
"Old Godric the Grouchy, as my partner Nicholas Flamel
used to call him?" said Dumbledore, looking cheerful. "Oh, I doubt
it, Harry. He wasn't a Magid. Not at all. Great warrior, of course. Very brave.
Always shouting. That was how he terrified the enemy, you know, with his dreadful
battle cries."
"I thought it was his courage and tactical
brilliance," said Harry "Oh, no," said Dumbledore. "All down to
shouting, really."
That may be," said Draco, "but he's still a
grown-up werewolf. A teacher werewolf. If we tell him there are demons
in our bedroom, he'll feel morally bound to do something about it."
"We can't tell him there are demons in our bedroom anyway," said
Harry. "We can tell him there was a demon in our bedroom. Just
one."
"I think teachers are
required to regard even one demon in the dormitory as an administrative
problem,"
"It's more than that," said Lupin, "This
sword is what is known as a demon blade. You can kill absolutely anything with
it: demons, vampires, immortal monsters, even the risen dead."
"Great," said Draco. "That'll be a lot of fun
at parties. 'Hi, my name is Draco Malfoy and I can kill absolutely anything,
what can YOU do?'
"Well, no obviously, but if there's one thing I've
learned being friends with Harry all these years, it's that when weird things
start happening all at the same time, they're usually connected. That, and a
big spider is nobody's friend."
I'm the one in Slytherin," said Draco coolly,
standing up as well and returning the glare. "I'm the shrewd,
underhanded one. I come up with the cunning plans around here, not you. You
wouldn't know a cunning plan if it painted itself blue and danced naked on a
harpsichord singing 'Cunning plans are here again'!"
"That is not true!" yelled Ron, losing his head
somewhat. "I have come up with very cunning plans!" "You're in Gryffindor!" sneered
Draco. "Your idea of a cunning plan is 'Everybody on the count of
three'!"
Harry grinned, he couldn't help
it. "You couldn't do it!" he crowed. Draco looked very cross indeed. "I
tried," he said. "I tried to go through her stuff, but I got these
weird twisty feelings in my stomach."
"On Earth, we call those scruples," said Ron.
So you're saying you just don't remember anything from
yesterday or last night?" said Harry in disbelief.
"That is correct," said Krum.
"And on the day the words 'flimsy excuse' were
reinvented," said Draco, "we all stood around in awe and
watched."
"You can bear that sword, but at a price."
"I'm a Malfoy," said Draco. "We don't ask
about prices." He grinned without much mirth. "I can afford it." "I don't think you can," said Harry.
"Well yes, I mean tormenting Longbottom and
making his cauldron blow up is laugh-your-ass-off funny and all," Draco
gritted his teeth, trying to keep calm, "but being— being in love with you
isn't remotely amusing in the least. In fact, I think the whole idea of it is
traumatising enough to grant me license to become a full-fledged psychopath in
later life. If I even make it there, that is."
"No, Potter, I am in love with you." Draco's voice was sharp
as a blade. "I did not fall in love with you, that being an even
less attractive option than falling off a cliff, and I certainly don't love
you. There's a vast and crucial difference there."
"Picked you, Potter? Picked?" Draco looked disgusted.
"Would I, in any frame of mind sound or otherwise, pick you to be
in love with? Would I?" He closed his eyes, his shoulders hunching,
and covered his face with his hands. "This is officially the worst
disaster in the magical world. Years from now they'll be teaching this as a
case study of 'Spells Gone Wrong Resulting In Fates Worse Than Death', and
they'll have the powdered remains of my skull as authentic artefacts."
"You think I'm not trying?" Draco's
voice cracked slightly with emotion, his eyes flashing with helpless
frustration and unspoken agony. "I've been doing nothing but try, and I
just can't. You're damn right that this is Dark magic, and it's in my blood,
Potter, running in my veins with every breath I take and it's poison.
And there's nothing I can do, except maybe bleed myself dry, which is becoming
a more viable option with every passing minute."
"Don't be stupid, Malfoy," Harry hissed fiercely, although anxiety
tinted his eyes a deeper shade of green, the colour of the jungle in the still
of the night, a darkened meadow. He took a step forward, seizing Draco by the
shoulders, feeling a reflexive tension flinch through the other boy's body, but
he held firm. "Are you trying to make me feel guilty, threatening to kill
yourself? Do you think I'm going to fall to my knees and plead with you to be
rational?"
Harry released his hold on Draco, shoving him away with ungentle force, and
shifted his weight to his back foot, his gaze still burning on Draco.
"Well think again, because the world doesn't revolve around you,
Malfoy."
"No." Draco's voice was toneless. "Right now, my world
revolves around you."
"Oh, am I supposed to be flattered?"
"Don't be," Draco said bitterly. "I'm hating every moment of
it." Draco craned his neck forward, and his hair
brushed lightly against Harry's cheek as he did so. "It's a short poem, I
think. It says, 'A chemical emotion, falsely real; the power to hurt, and the
power to heal.'" He paused, and drew back slightly.
"And?" Harry prompted impatiently.
"And the composition of air is made out of some percentage of oxygen and
other invisible molecules that aren't quite as useful to us."
"What?" Harry blinked, leaning forward to peer at the page, pushing
his glasses up his nose. "It actually says that?"
"Don't say that. It's really not
helping." Harry gave Draco a severe look. "Can't you be a little more
enthusiastic and positive about this?"
"Enthusiastic?" Draco echoed morosely. "I'm poisoned by a love
potion, and every time I see you I just want to die. If enthusiasm was
contagious, Potter, then I'm definitely immune
"So," Lupin said, "how did learning these lessons
help you in other duels?"
Hearing Lupin's question, Harry was suddenly struck by the ironic symmetry of
past and present, of mistakes made and lessons gleaned — and a sense of
overwhelming sadness filled him, because he had finally come full circle.
"I said there were lessons, but I never said I learned any of them."
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